New Year Resolutions

it ain't too late to make 'em as long as i keep 'em. here goes:

(wow, this is gonna take a while...)

• to treasure the positive relationships in my life, which are going to take me further as a person.
  
• to separate the ones which will aid me from the ones which will pull me down.
  
• relax and don't think too much about it. nature has it's way around things.
  
• watch what you say and tread unfamiliar areas carefully.
  
• to study hard and play hard. HARD! (one life to live!)
  
• to be more confident, even though sometimes i know i'll not be (the outward display of confidence is more important!)

the next few are more of the minute, little changes that i wish to make to my life

• read more, be it current affairs or books.
  
• scowling is HOT, but no more of that.
  
• one word: breakfast! (yeah, this, i think, will apply to almost every youngster.)
  
• just have FUN, worry about it tomorrow and remember to forget it then. (sounds simple, foolproof and crazy, but when you think about it, it's really logical, cos in the end, it'll all work out, and we would've missed out on all the FUN.)

pEace...

A New Year, A New Me?

Time for a new year's wishlist:

• A MacBook
  
• A Nintendo DS
  
• A Red PSP? ^.^ (Well, i know i already have one but...)
  
• Hopefully a personal Desktop
  
• My Driving License!!! ( Can't wait)
  
• A pair of oversized shades
  
• A Blackberry
  
• Lots n Lots of clothes to stuff my wardrobe.
  
• a tan maybe. just for the sake of it. thou i prob wun get one.
  
• happyness.
  
• for Grey's, Gossip Girl, Private Practice, Heroes, 90210, TSCC to never end.
  
• Peace...

I'm a freak

i got all EMO-tional again today. my ipod was blaring mayday parade as i travelled back home today. an influx of thoughts were swarming thru my mind. i wanted to explain to people why i can be all happy n high one day... to all stoned and indifferent the next... in a snap. i wanted people to understand that maybe what they always thought me to be isn't what i really am.

i don't want this to be a ranting. i've had enough. this post is really a venue for me to express my feelings inside or else i'll really have a mental breakdown.

i tried. i really did. i was all positive and happy on monday n tuesday. until Sandy and Weilong came back for FFI today. i wasn't exactly all that excited to see them back and it's really difficult for me to be around everyone when they're around. and after trying for so long, i really decided that i'm just isn't part of the whole gang thing. but keith and some are really making it diffcult for me, because they talk to me like we're all close and all, but in actual fact, we're not. and it shows. it'll be so much easier if they just leave me alone, because i'm just simply not part of their gang.

it's funny how easy it is for people to create an impact on me. i had these thoughts the past week: if someone who really hated me, asked me to down a whole bottle of sleeping pills, i'll do it. sounds crazy huh? that's the person i am. i know a lot of people will argue that it's not worth it, but i find it hard to live with knowing the fact that someone hates me. i'm getting more suicidal. and in more ways than one, i view death different. i view it as a form of release, a way to ease suffering. i thought of cutting, and i don't yet know whether pain will provide a release for me. maybe i have some mental problems, maybe i really do. but who will really know? and who will really care about me? i'm disintergrating inside, my insides are all mashed up. that's the feeling i get, but who knows, except me.

ORD~ing loh~~

• God. I could almost smell it. ~Almost
  
• just suddenly had a thought; even if i'm crumbling deep inside, no one will really know.
  
• totally digging leona's cover of Snow Patrol's Run now and 내겐 사랑하나... from New Heart's OST. yeah, i'm a sucker for ballads.
  
• suddenly remembered MyORD module on www.ns.sg. "If you don't complete, you CANNOT ORD" alriiiiite, that's reason enough for me to take some of my precious time out for this shit.
  
• really enjoying driving right now. cheong-ed a lot of driving lessons in this past block leave period. wheeesh, kinda close to my driving test now. just thinking about it is enough to send me jitters.
  
• gonna be a short week ahead. FFI, MSET... will be over before i can say c~h~e~e~r~s.
  
  Peace.