I'm a freak

i got all EMO-tional again today. my ipod was blaring mayday parade as i travelled back home today. an influx of thoughts were swarming thru my mind. i wanted to explain to people why i can be all happy n high one day... to all stoned and indifferent the next... in a snap. i wanted people to understand that maybe what they always thought me to be isn't what i really am.

i don't want this to be a ranting. i've had enough. this post is really a venue for me to express my feelings inside or else i'll really have a mental breakdown.

i tried. i really did. i was all positive and happy on monday n tuesday. until Sandy and Weilong came back for FFI today. i wasn't exactly all that excited to see them back and it's really difficult for me to be around everyone when they're around. and after trying for so long, i really decided that i'm just isn't part of the whole gang thing. but keith and some are really making it diffcult for me, because they talk to me like we're all close and all, but in actual fact, we're not. and it shows. it'll be so much easier if they just leave me alone, because i'm just simply not part of their gang.

it's funny how easy it is for people to create an impact on me. i had these thoughts the past week: if someone who really hated me, asked me to down a whole bottle of sleeping pills, i'll do it. sounds crazy huh? that's the person i am. i know a lot of people will argue that it's not worth it, but i find it hard to live with knowing the fact that someone hates me. i'm getting more suicidal. and in more ways than one, i view death different. i view it as a form of release, a way to ease suffering. i thought of cutting, and i don't yet know whether pain will provide a release for me. maybe i have some mental problems, maybe i really do. but who will really know? and who will really care about me? i'm disintergrating inside, my insides are all mashed up. that's the feeling i get, but who knows, except me.